Hey there, it's been a while.
I don't usually share such personal news, but seeing as the sand&palm business is technically just myself, I wanted to send you a note to let you know why sand&palm has been inactive for a few months, and I have been AWOL.
On the 2nd September 2024, quite unexpectedly, my beautiful mother, Liz passed away. Usually a beacon of health, it was a shock, but the strain from two years of suffering with mental health ultimately took its toll on her heart.
The last two and a half years have been some of the most challenging of my life, and so I’ve been taking some time out to look after myself and my immediate needs, to nurture my nervous system and to reassure it that I am safe.
To breathe.
To be quiet, sit and be still. To spend time with mum in liminal realms. To write to her, listen, take notice. To try to understand, seek meaning, speak things unsaid. Fall apart and piece myself together over and over in this new reality, without my mother, father or sister. Where are they, who am I without them?
To feel all the feelings, to welcome old friends pain and grief. To cry rivers, walk on the land, by the ocean, in the refuge of forests. To surf, sauna and sweat out my sorrow, howl through the wind and rain, sing to the sea and heal my heart with song. To seek solace in nature and help from herbal allies. To exist existentially in the mundane. To fall asleep in a lake of tears. To be in community, sit in ceremony, have my grief witnessed. To mourn a life not lived, remember, sort memories, discard those that don’t serve & store those of value.
Life's timing is impeccable. The day before my mum's Celebration of Life in October, my dear feline companion of 20 years (20 years!), Gizmo, decided that it was her time to leave this realm too. Maybe she felt like her job here was done. She laid down in her favourite spot on the sofa, I lit some candles, burnt some Kali incense, and gently stroked her as we peacefully parted ways.
I inherited Gizmo as a kitten from my sister Charlotte when she left to travel Asia in 2004. Tragically, Char's last stop was Thailand as she was lost to the Tsunami on Boxing Day at the age of 23. This Boxing Day just gone, only two months after Gizmo died last October, marked the 20 year anniversary of the Tsunami. I miss Char as much now, all this time on, as I ever have done. My darling sister would have been 43, maybe with a little family of her own.
Not only was Gizmo was my little furry comfort blanket through this tragedy, she was by my side through the illness and loss of my dearest father, Alan, to cancer in 2013. Dad was an incredible man, an intellect with an artistic and playful flair, who showed such strength, stoicism, loyalty, support and love to us all.
And so, with my family having drifted elsewhere, I've been left adrift here, floating, surrendering, allowing any attachment to old identities to simply peel away. I've been taking the time that I've needed to just, be.
This time has allowed me to see things from a different perspective, to reassess, to ask questions. How, now, to put one foot in front of the other and move forward? How does it affect my work, values, my passions, how I want to spend my precious time, my remaining short life, this gift, how do I be of service? What can I offer the world? How can I leave it more beautiful than how I found it? How do I hold the strength and spirit of my mum, dad and Char in my heart and live in courage, beauty and grace, to live bravely in love without fear of loss? How to carry on mum’s legacy, honour her incredible gifts and abilities, all that she gave me unconditionally in order to support me in my passions and creative endeavours? I would not be where I am today without her. sand&palm is as much her as it is me.
I could write pages and pages about how amazing my mum was but I'll keep it to her artistic abilities. My mum was the most talented person I knew. Her artwork was edgy, raw, moving and beautiful, and always executed with so much skill and ease. Her life drawings were just stunning. She was a visionary, ahead of her time, tapped into the zeitgeist before anyone else.
She gained her MA in Fashion and Textiles from Winchester as a mature student and blew everyone away with her innovative pleated silk fabric which was picked up by Givenchy and used to open their Paris Catwalk show.
Her nerves and modesty were not cut out for the catwalk fashion industry but she continued to share her expertise through teaching. Despite not having any teaching qualifications initially, she studied hard and became course leader of Fashion and Textiles A-Level at Southdowns College, Hampshire, for 10 years, where she was loved and admired and made a lasting impression with her somewhat alternative and quirky ways.
Mum was always the most stylish and glamorous person in the room, she was by no means a trend follower and her style was timeless. Effortlessly clothed in gorgeous garments made from natural fabrics in neutral shades, she always finished it off with a dash of her trademark red lippy. She was her own person, brilliant, unique, individual.
Now you can see why I do what I do, and where it all comes from :).
I haven't just lost my mum, I’ve lost my mentor, my muse and inspiration, my style icon, best friend and biggest fan cheering me on from the sidelines. Perhaps she still is. I like to imagine so, gently nudging me to create again when I feel ready, and when I do I’ll hear her whisper in my ear, “darling, it’s beautiful.”
The fact that you are receiving this email is a good sign. It means that I am remerging, feeling the stirrings of creativity return and wanting to reconnect with you again. I have started to share some bits and bobs on Instagram again, I've started a daily drawing project, and soon there will be new sand&palm designs, whatever direction I decide to take it in, so if you're over that way please feel free to find me at @sandandpalm.
Thank you for being here with me for The Journey. Whatever you're going through in life at the moment, I wish to send you love, for when everything else falls away, it is all that remains.
Vicki
x
